My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
