I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
