I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
