Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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