Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
