here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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