my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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