Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
