If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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