Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
