Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
