I just threw up on my dentist
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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