my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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