so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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