I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
