After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
