Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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