btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
