tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
