If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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