i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
