My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize