Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
