I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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