When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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