Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
