he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
