why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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