I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
