Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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