I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
