I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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