my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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