GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Of course I have a pirate flag
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
