Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
