I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
