How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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