I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
