My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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