Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
