Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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