I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
