her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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