What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
