someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
