Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
