we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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