I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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