she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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