News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
