Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
