then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
