the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
