Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
