i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
