I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
