She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
