Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
