Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My liver just broke up with me...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize