I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
