Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
