And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
