take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
no, he came in my armpit
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Found the puke drawer
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
