He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
