a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
can u get pink eye on your cock?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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