my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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