At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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