Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
